Let us play make believe.

I have deleted all of my old posts from this blog and I feel the need to begin fresh. Moving back onto here for one reason and one reason only - you don't have to be a member of this site to read, comment, etc.

Life is one hell of a crazy ride, as I have learned over the last 6 months. Wow. I guess I'd always just been luck enough in my past to avoid that feeling. I guess I can't really complain, because I am stronger thanks to all that fell apart back in September. Last summer was, without a doubt, the worst I have ever encountered. Too many tears were shed and too many aspects of my life became unstable. How are you supposed to stand and be strong when the ground is pulled out from under you? I won't, I can't, go into detail about all that went wrong. I will say this - it was in part my fault, in part the fault of others, and in part no ones fault at all. And today, months later, I woke with a smile on my face. Some things are still unstable and there is so much in the near future that is completely up in the air. But something in me changed and I guess I'm less afraid of what is to come.

In some ways, the time since last summer has come full circle and I am back where I was back then. But the changes inside of me have made me capable of being strong when I would normally have been so weak.

Work helps, too. It's weird, but it helps me feel stable. It also helps that I have some great people that I work with. Maybe it's only an illusion, but when I am there I feel like I actually have friends. I mean, sure, I have a couple of people that I consider my friends out there in the real world, but with everything that has caused me to be so messed up, it's hard to find people I trust. Last night, I came to the conclusion that the way I was treated in my past plays a big part in why there are only two females outside of my family that I truely trust and feel that I can talk to. In my mind, I can't allow girls to see me as being weak and vulnerable. Not even the ones close to me. Guys are different. If they see me upset, they make me laugh and then they forget all about it the next day - girls, atleast in my mind, will keep it locked in them until they eventually use it against me. So I keep things locked inside. I am trying to break that habit...

And now I am going to participate in the one thing where I can let go and work through anything that could possibly be bothering me. Computer in front of me, I will design and edit and code until something has been created and something else has been worked through. When I can't have Kyle with me, there is only one other way for me to truely feel at peace.